Is Your Ego Destroying Your Leadership?

Our research on almost 2000 leaders suggests that self-confidence is an important factor in effective leadership. However, this is not as straight-forward as one might think. Those who are rated as effective leaders by their coworkers have a healthy balance of belief in themselves and their capabilities but recognize their limitations. They do believe they are capable, are destined to lead others, have good judgment and often believe they will do great things. This gives them a willingness to take risks, follow their vision, take initiative, set lofty goals, guide the organization through difficult times and make tough, critical decisions.

Their confidence inspires and reassures their followers.

As successful as they are, these leaders are not arrogant. They recognize that they have flaws, shortcomings and limitations, but they are comfortable with who they are. They acknowledge their weaknesses rather than becoming defensive, and accept the fact that they must work around their shortcomings. They are willing to question themselves, reflect upon their successes and failures and make an effort to learn and grow in order to be more successful. They will seek out feedback and really listen to input. They are comfortable in their own skin rather than needing to receive recognition. They can laugh at their own mistakes and admit when they are wrong. In other words, their ego is “right-sized.”

In contrast, overconfident leaders frequently have serious problems. They overestimate their ability, performance, and potential for success. They fail to think about what may go wrong. They are unrealistic about their limitations and flaws and are blind to their potential for making mistakes. They don’t recognize the gaps in their knowledge or ability. They have a difficult time asking for help, advice and feedback. They don’t listen to their subordinates or question their own judgment or assumptions. In other words, their ego can be their undoing.

So, self-confidence can serve as a positive force or it can stand in the way of success. It is a delicate balance. On the one hand, if my central focus is myself, my goals, my achievements, my status, if my whole world revolves around me and my endless quest to get ahead and to prove my worthiness, why would anyone else want to play a part in that movie? Such a hyper-inflated ego is rightly seen as a problem, an inner voice that needs to be minimized or rooted out.

This begs the question about the relationship between self-confidence and egotism. Self-confidence is a belief in yourself and your abilities. The ego can be seen as a façade or mask which masquerades for confidence, but is really rooted in insecurity. The ego seeks self-validation, approval, praise and seeks to be “right” and promote an image of invulnerability. This makes it difficult for the person to admit they are wrong and causes a leader to focus on self-aggrandizement.

The egotistic leader is self-centered, self-righteous and self-congratulatory. This leads to criticism of others’ ideas, actions, and abilities in order to prove one’s superiority. Genuine, justified confidence inspires and builds followership; egotism drives followers away. For egotistic leaders, the game is about themselves, protecting their image, winning every argument, feeling entitled and defending and justifying their decisions. Egotists don’t learn from their mistakes, they defend them. They are afraid to be wrong, to show vulnerability, to listen to other’ views, and they resent having to do work they consider beneath them. They focus on personal ambition, power, status, and inflating and promoting an image. As T.S. Eliot put it, “Half the harm that is done in the world is due to people who want to feel important. “

Narcissism

Narcissism is an extreme form of over-confidence that is actually quite common in leaders. Narcissistic leaders use their self-confidence and charisma to draw others and initially inspire them to follow. Dr. Berit Brogaard is both a physician and professor of philosophy at the University of Miami. She has spelled out some of the main characteristics of people who have a narcissistic, exaggerated sense of their own worthiness.

1. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance, tend to exaggerate their achievements and talents, and expect to be recognized by others as superior — even if their achievements don’t warrant it.
2. They are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance.
3. They believe they are “special” and unique, and can only be understood by other special, high-status individuals.
4. Thus they require excessive admiration and have a sense of entitlement.
5. They are interpersonally exploitative, and tend to take advantage of others to achieve their own ends.
6. They lack empathy, and are unable to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others.
7. They are often envious of others or believe that others are envious of them.
8. They are arrogant and haughty.

These are all signs of an ego that has run amok.

So what exactly is the ego?

The ego isn’t only about an inflated sense of self-importance. It goes deeper than that. Ego is that function of our psyche that defines the self, that tells the story of who we are, or who we think we are, and gives us our sense of identity. It is a mask, a persona, a facade that works like a protective armor to help us navigate safely in an unpredictable, ever-changing, and potentially dangerous world.

For most of us, ego is heavily influenced by how we see ourselves in relation to others. It is a person’s self-image-a set of beliefs about the sort of person one is and how one differs from others. Often this involves our social role or other attributes that differentiate us from others: Man, woman, father, mother, artist, dentist, athlete, helper, lawyer, entrepreneur, expert, Virgo or Capricorn, construction worker, teacher, CEO, king, engineer, kind person, rebel, youngest son or daughter, Harvard graduate, New Yorker, attractive woman or man, wise person, tough boss, smart, young, old, veteran. Each of us has numerous role definitions that convey who we are. It is a mental image of “me”, a sense of identity that we construct early in life based on our personality traits, abilities, physical attributes, lessons learned, experiences, and feedback from our parents, teachers, and peers. But it is a narrow and confining definition of “me”. It is not all of who we are. It is simply who we think we are. I will come back to this idea later.

The ego labels not only ourselves — “I am smart, I am capable, I am a CEO, I am an innovative thinker, etc.” — but also labels the objects and people in our sphere of living to help us make sense of the world. We may see others as potential partners or threatening competitors, as resources we can use or as fools to stay away from.

Richard Alpert, the former Harvard psychology professor who became world famous as a spiritual teacher known as Ram Dass, developed a deep understanding of ego from both a spiritual and psychological perspective. As he put it, “The ego has convinced us that we need it-not only that we need it, but that we are it.” The ego, he says, “selects its costumes, learns its lines, its timing, its gestures, its way of movement, even the choices of roles it may play when it leaves the dressing room and stands before an audience of other Egos. . . . Unlike an actor, however, who realizes that he or she is onstage playing a role, we tend to forget who we really are once we’ve taken the stage.” Although theoretically we can either play the role when needed or step out of it to express our authentic self, much of the time we become identified by it, and trapped by it.

For example, leaders can get trapped by playing the “leader” role. As you are promoted to higher level positions and acquire power and influence, your coworkers, particularly your subordinates, listen to you more, agree with you more, defer to you more and are increasingly reluctant to challenge your ideas. This power can go to your head, and often does.

SOME CHARACTERISTIC TRAITS OF EGO-FILLED PEOPLE:

They claim they did all the work. As someone described such a person, “They built the company with their bare hands, did all of the sales and marketing, ran the numbers every night until 2 a.m., emptied trash cans and even replaced the toilet paper rolls.”

Well, probably not.

1. They believe they’re the smartest people in the room. They assume they are always right, don’t listen to others’ opinions and ideas, don’t trust others, and end up trying to do everything themselves.
2. They talk but don’t listen. Or if they appear to listen, they don’t actually act on the advice or information given.
3. They don’t acknowledge the contributions of others. Many great leaders find a way to praise team members and give them all the credit for success. Ego-driven people seek out the praise and gladly take all the credit.
4. They don’t delegate tasks or responsibilities, don’t train others, and won’t give up control. So they are excellent candidates for burnout, and their teams never live up to their full potential.

The hubris syndrome

For centuries observers of the human condition have noted the negative effects that power can produce in those who wield a lot of it. But it’s only in the last decade that researchers have found a way to describe these effects in a systematic way, and to point out the dangers to both the power holders and all those they influence. In a recent book, David Owen, a physician and prominent high level official in the British government for over 40 years, described what he called the Hubris Syndrome. The elements of this syndrome will sound familiar to anyone who has seen the effects of power on the character and behavior of people who have held positions of power over a long term. They resemble the qualities we just looked at as described by Dr. Brogaard, but here they apply specifically to leaders and leadership:

1. They have a tendency to see their world primarily as an arena in which they can exercise power and seek glory. This can be a problem for entrepreneurs and early-stage company founders. But it is definitely a problem when companies grow large and attract leaders who are not particularly passionate about the mission or vision and are just there for the power, money and status.
2. They take actions which seem likely to cast them in a good light, to enhance their image. Narcissistic leaders want to be the center of attention. This is common among leaders who are charismatic, inspirational and good at influencing others. Once a company starts thinking about going public, the importance of representing the company and its brand and selling its image becomes part of the job of the leader. When the company gets to a certain size it hires a PR person or firm. It is their job to cast the leader and the company in a favorable light. This can play into the leaders ego needs.
3. They have a messianic way of talking about what they are doing and how great it is. This is what visionary evangelists do — evangelize the mission, vision, values and aspirations of the organization. The best ones are charismatic and persuasive and frequently passionate and inspirational.
4. They identify with their nation or organization to the extent that they regard their personal destiny and that of the larger entity as identical. Leaders and particularly founders are strongly identified with their creation. In my early consulting days, I got surprised by the defensiveness of CEOs when they were presented with the results of the culture survey if it was even slightly negative. It was their baby, we were telling them that the baby was ugly, and they didn’t like it.
5. They have excessive confidence in their own judgment and contempt for the advice or criticisms of others, as well as exaggerated belief, bordering on a sense of omnipotence, in what they personally can achieve. Sunflower bias, confirmation bias, over-confidence bias can lead to not considering what might go wrong, or that one’s own judgment might be flawed. A big ego and arrogance lead to bad decisions.
6. They truly believe that rather than being accountable to colleagues or public opinion, they are accountable only to History or God. This is a big problem when the CEO/Founder owns the majority of the stock or is the single largest shareholder. It’s also a problem with small businesses and family businesses, where there is really nobody who has oversight. I’ve seen a lot of these owners funneling money to family members and running personal expenses through the company.
7. They lose touch with reality, and often live in a bubble of increasing isolation. This is conducive to developing what I have called “the distorted view from the top.”
8. They are prone to recklessness and impulsiveness. Daniel Kahneman, who won the Nobel Prize winner for his research on decision-making, has cautioned that, “The brain is a machine for jumping to conclusions.” If you think you are the smartest person in the room and possess unique abilities and intuitive judgment, you probably won’t consider what might go wrong, what you may have overlooked, what information is missing, what assumptions need to be questioned or what might be the consequences of taking a risk.
9. They have a tendency to allow their belief in the rightness of a proposed course to override considerations of practicality, cost or potential outcomes, with the result that things go wrong.
10. They feel entitled and have a distorted sense of their own omnipotence. Thus they don’t plan and don’t handle the things that need to be done. They just assume things will work out for them and don’t think about the details or the difficulties of implementation.

These factors reflect the “dark side” of the power of a leader. It is instructive to consider that the very same qualities that support strong leadership, such as decisiveness, persuasiveness, and so on can lead to impetuosity, a failure to listen to or take advice even from members of one’s own chosen team, and in David Owen’s words, “a particular form of incompetence when impulsivity, recklessness and frequent inattention to detail predominate.” This is hubris, “exaggerated pride, overwhelming self-confidence,” that at its worst breeds “contempt for others. This can result in disastrous leadership and cause damage on a large scale,” damage to the individual’s leadership ability and credibility, and damage to the organization. [Hubris Syndrome: An acquired personality disorder? A study of US Presidents and UK Prime Ministers over the last 100 years, by David Owen and Jonathan Davidson, BRAIN, A Journal of Neurology, 2009, Vol 132 pages 1396–1406]]

I have found this syndrome, this constellations of qualities and characteristics, in a surprisingly large number of the thousands of leaders I have worked with over nearly 40 years. It seems to go with the territory, an occupational hazard of those who rise to power positions, whether in business, government, the military, or even academia. And it seems to arise even in people who showed no predisposition to be tyrannical, authoritarian, or power-hungry before they were actually in a position of power. The longer you are in a position of power, it seems, the greater the chance of developing the hubris syndrome. Take this as a warning. There is a very old saying, proven true by experience: Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.

Dangers of an out-of-control ego: How does this happen?

A big ego is all too common among high-achieving leaders. As we’ve seen, leading a growing organization requires a leader to be ambitious, confident and to possess a high degree of drive and willpower. But often it does not stop there. As the organization grows and the leader’s power also grows, they often develop a distorted sense of their own importance, a need to be right, and a belief that they are more capable than others.

You get a higher salary, more stock options, a bigger office, and often media attention as well. Slowly you can become surrounded by sycophants who will feed your ego and ultimately will manipulate you to further their own ends.

Let’s now look at what are some of the consequences and challenges that result when these conditions converge and a leader’s ego begins to expand beyond reasonable boundaries.

1. You can start seeing yourself as the center of the universe and begin to put your own needs, agenda, and self-gratification ahead of others.
2. You spend more time promoting yourself than your organization or other leaders.
3. You don’t really listen to others, or if you manage to listen, you don’t act on any suggestions or advice.
4. You put your views and opinions ahead of the perspectives of your subordinates. This can lead to confirmation bias, over-confidence bias, over-optimism bias and cause the leader to disregard the realities and challenges that could negatively influence their own and their organization’s success. They start believing their own rhetoric. Ultimately reality is going to be the winner and a good leader needs to face it, rather than believe in their own delusional omnipotence.
5. You let it be known that the success of the company is due to you, and that you’ve done all the hard work and deserve the credit. This can also result in the leader starting to take credit for others’ ideas.
6. Your ego tells you that you’re the only one who can get things done, or done right, so you keep a watchful eye on everyone’s work and micromanage their progress. Nobody likes this. You begin belittling other people’s views or recommendations, and are more prone to blame and find scapegoats rather than taking responsibility when things go wrong. Similarly, you fail to acknowledge or recognize team members when they do things right,
7. You use intimidation, outbursts, punishment for mistakes and criticism of other’s flaws to put people in their place. Working for an insecure, egocentric leader fosters stress, frustration and fear and creates an unhealthy organizational culture.
8. Subordinates will not take risks and will do the bare minimum to avoid triggering an outburst or criticism. And they will ultimately resent you for failing to make them successful and for letting your ego damage the success of the company.
9. Power and success often begin to corrupt and can distort your values, your perspective and can corrupt your behavior.
10. The ego’s desire for fortune, fame, influence, attention and power can cause you, or any leader, to start believing they are entitled to special treatment, perks and privileges.
11. It can cause the leader to be rude and disrespectful, selfish and condescending.
12. It can lead to defensiveness and the need to always be right, which will prevent you from hearing feedback and thus learning from your mistakes
13. What this adds up to is that you begin to live in a self-centered, kind of ivory tower universe where you only see and hear what you want to, a universe that upholds your views and your value.

Avoiding the trap of the inflated ego is thus a real challenge. The ego can become a huge barrier to your effectiveness as a team and company leader by destroying a collaborative environment.

A Dark Secret

Underneath the surface many, if not most leaders have self-doubt. They are actually afraid of making mistakes. This insecurity makes them afraid to be wrong and unwilling to be vulnerable. To compensate, they try to project a false sense of strength, as if they have all the answers and have everything totally under control. It couldn’t be further from the truth.

Things You Tell Yourself When Your Ego May Be In Control or Gaining a Foothold

• Don’t they know who I am?
• Eventually, they will realize that I’m right
• I deserve it: credit, recognition, a generous perk, a big salary, a private airplane
• Well, that doesn’t apply to me
• Because I say so
• I could have done that better
• I wish he would shut up and let me talk
• My job, house, car, salary, looks, achievements, hometown, spouse/girlfriend/partner is better
• They should show me more respect
• I’m clearly smarter and more capable
• Nobody is going to tell me what to do
• They are a bunch of idiots
• I must admit, I’m good
• There is no way we could fail at this
• How could anyone disagree?
• Well, enough about me. What do you think about me?

Some things I’ve learned about the Best Leaders

Through extensive research, interviews and consulting with thousands of leaders, and a database that includes leaders’ in-depth personality profiles, 360 degree reports, and more, I have learned a lot about what makes the Best Leaders who they are. And also what they are not, especially when bloated egos get in their way.

Here is a quick sketch of some of the findings that I’ll be discussing in future blogs.

Ego-driven leadership

There is no doubt that some leaders are driven by ego, and we all know such people. They may seem to be propelled by “legitimate” goals such as building or expanding an organization, but what is foremost in their minds and emotions is making a success for themselves, gaining fame, fortune, influence, and personal power. They are also driven to a great extent by fear and self-protection, which is reflected in the pessimism that many of them exhibit, as well as inflexibility because they feel they have to hold on to positions, ideas, and ways of doing things that have worked in the past. In short: they are afraid of change. They are motivated to try to control change rather than embrace it.

What is the source of Best Leaders drive and motivation?

The Best Leaders, on the other hand, have harnessed or even transcended their egos and are motivated by ambitions greater than themselves, such as service, or making a meaningful contribution to their society.

• They are determined to make a difference — They are driven to be the best and to make a difference. They will not be satisfied until they are the best in their field. This is related to the need to learn and grow but it also involves a willingness to work longer and harder and do more than others have done to achieve their vision.
• They have a sense of purpose — They are mission-driven — they have a sense of purpose or mission that is beyond themselves. As leaders, they focus on the organization’s greater good, rather than worrying about their own self-interest.
  They are seen as highly inspirational due to their vision, dedication to the mission, passion and willingness to take the lead and to get things done. They are extremely persistent and won’t give up when they hit obstacles or have setbacks. They work hard, are a model of commitment and dedication. They believe in themselves and their mission and are confident that ultimately, they will succeed.
• They are genuinely secure — As we’ve discussed, the Best Leaders are highly self-confident. Most of them report that leadership is natural to them, often saying something like, “I was born to be a leader,” or “I am going to accomplish great things in my life,” confidence and drive coming together with a sense of mission or destiny. But they are confident without being arrogant. The fact that “I often seek other people’s advice” shows up strongly in their profiles shows that they understand that they don’t have all the answers, and recognize that others’ views and ideas are helpful.
• They face the facts and accept who they are — Ego-driven people hide their weaknesses, even from themselves — there’s no room in their self-image of superiority for flaws and failings. On the other hand, the Best Leaders are comfortable with themselves and accept themselves, including their flaws. They are not afraid to say, “There are times that I have done things that I later regretted.” They are willing to question themselves and seek out feedback from others, and they really listen. People who are heavily invested in their ego can get very defensive about shortcomings, but the more enlightened accept that they are who they are, and make an effort to work around weaknesses or make changes where possible. They monitor their behavior to avoid situations and triggers that bring out their shortcomings. They act decisively when they are relatively certain they have the experience, facts and understanding required. But they are humble enough to listen to alternative solutions and ask disconfirming question to avoid over-confidence bias, over-optimism bias etc. When they are uncertain due to a lack of experience, knowledge, expertise or information, they ask for advice and help.
• They are self-reflective — What may surprise you is that these dynamic leaders are highly self-reflective. While an inflated ego is a sure obstacle to accurate self-assessment, of all the 340 items on the Personality and Leadership Profile (PLP) that we use, “I frequently spend time reflecting on my past successes and failures” has the highest score among the Best Leaders. This reveals self-scrutiny and humility, quite opposite to the brash arrogance that can characterize ego-driven leaders. Rated almost as high is the statement, “I try to avoid situations that bring out the worst in me.” This too shows self-awareness and humility: these people recognize that they have character defects, and deliberately try to avoid having them do damage to their effectiveness. They have a willingness to look at the full picture, both what they’re good at, and what they’re bad at. They look at the whole balance sheet — their assets and liabilities, which translates into opportunities and risks. It has been said many times that “leaders get paid to make decisions;” I would add that the best decision makers face the facts.

Perhaps because they are so self-reflective, when asked to rate their overall capability they generally disagree with the statement, “I am more capable than most of my coworkers.” They also don’t subscribe to the statement, “I am exceptionally intelligent.” They know they are smart and have natural leadership traits like influencing people and getting people to buy in and work together, but they are aware of their shortcomings and don’t feel that they are more capable overall.

Because they are confident, secure, and comfortable in their own skin, they are able to be natural, open, honest and spontaneous without hiding behind a facade or playing roles. They don’t need to receive special recognition. Not needing to protect a fragile ego, they can laugh at themselves and the mistakes they have made. Their good sense of humor helps them — and others — to keep things in perspective and even allows them to have a playful attitude toward problems. They are willing to admit when they are wrong. This relaxed attitude helps them to handle stress effectively.

• They risk being vulnerable and transparent — They are not afraid to show their humanness. They are very approachable and not only make a positive first impression but have the ability to build strong relationships with coworkers and business partners over the long haul. They are comfortable speaking up and stating their opinions in meetings, and they can be surprisingly open to hearing and discussing opposing points of view. They are genuine and don’t pretend to like things they don’t. They are realistic and objective about life, people and themselves. They are tolerant of people who have different views and values and are accepting of people who come from all levels of society.
• They are willing to listen and accept feedback — Having good listening skills is like a master key that can open many doors. It is highly correlated with getting buy-in to your initiatives and proposals, and being able to adapt and change your behavior to adjust to changing circumstances. Being able to listen to others is strongly linked with inspiring employees, building effective relationships with stakeholders, creating and sustaining effective teams, and reading group dynamics and organizational politics. Effective leaders know they need to take charge yet at the same time be willing to listen and not exert too much control when making team decisions or they can become vulnerable to errors of judgment caused by confirmation bias and false consensus based on their position power.

Ego vs. the True Nature Of Self

Ultimately, there is no such thing as Ego. As I said above, Ego is the idea we have of ourself, of who we are. It is just that: an idea, a notion, a mental construct without substance. You can search all you want through your brain and you will not find a door with a nameplate announcing Department of the Ego. As powerful an internal force as ego is, in the end, it’s just a mirage, a set of ideas that, if you look closely (meditation helps with this) you’ll find nothing substantial or permanent, although it is true that some of the ideas we have about who we are can last a long time and influence our thinking and behavior for decades.

So if Ego is not who we really are, who are we? In many spiritual traditions, the true Self (often written in upper case) is, rather than a “thing,” a field of pure consciousness or inner awareness. It is the source of creativity and intelligence at the heart of not only our individual life, but of all life.

Often, in meditation, when the cacophony of thoughts and internal and external noise quiets down, the Self is experienced as pure awareness, without an object; no thought, no sensation, no perception, just silent witnessing of one’s own inner life. This subtle observer watches the mind, the emotions and the continuous flow of perceptions. It is the watching presence. It is a universal field of Being that we all share, from which we all draw nourishment. In the traditional texts, and the “living texts” that are the great masters of the tradition in every generation, it is known as ananda or bliss, a field of silence and peace at the heart of life, the proverbial calm at the eye of the ever-shifting storm of life.

Thus, to be in touch with this inner ocean of intelligence, grounded or established in it, gives us not only a deep sense of who we are that goes beyond our limited personality (which of course is still there), but also a stable place to stand. Some people define this as beyond Ego — others say this is the ultimate unfoldment or development of Ego, a state of awakened consciousness in which we identify not merely with our personal self with its endless concerns and demands, its likes and dislikes, but with the whole of the universe.

When a leader is grounded in the silence of the Self, stresses, work demands, failure and success, fame and shame, loss and gain still occur. What is different is that these experiences don’t overshadow the leader’s equanimity, judgment and awareness of his/her fundamental nature.

Let’s be very clear that the ego isn’t something that needs to be killed off, suppressed or controlled. When leaders quiet their mind and recognize and develop a deeper awareness of their true nature, one that lies behind the egoic identity, behind the conditioning of their mind, and become stabilized in pure, silent awareness, the positive and life-supporting characteristics of identity begin to influence day-to-day behavior. The leader is released from the negative influence of the ego, but the uniqueness of his/her character remains.

New talents, qualities, attributes, motivations, and characteristics emerge. These reflect a mind that is at peace, that is more tranquil, happy, and stable. There is greater strength to handle the demands of leadership, better judgment in decision-making due increased clarity, and greater happiness due to an inner sense of fulfillment that comes from within, deeper than any worldly pleasures.

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